What Even IS Normal?
- debbierobinsoncoun
- Jun 18
- 4 min read
Unlearning social conformity, conditioning and the quiet ‘shoulds’ that shape us.
At some point or another, most of us bump into that quiet, persistent question: Why can’t I just be normal? Or what’s wrong with me?
It’s a question I’ve heard time and again: from clients, friends and yes, even in my own head over the years. We carry this unspoken idea of what a ‘normal’ life looks like and how we ‘should’ behave, what we ‘should’ want and who we ‘should’ be by a certain point.
However, so often, that version of ‘normal’ was never really ours to begin with.
We don’t just wake up feeling this way. From very early on in our lives, we’re shaped by layers of conditioning: unspoken rules, cultural expectations, family dynamics and societal messages about what success looks like, about gender, identity, rest, productivity and so much more. These stories can run so quietly in the background that we don’t even notice them, yet they influence everything from how we see ourselves to how we navigate the world.
On reflection, I remembered it in my own family, as I listen to my children grow from teens into adults quietly comparing themselves to the lives of others, measuring their worth against timelines and expectations that aren’t really theirs.
I pause and wonder: how much of this did they take on from me, from my own internalised beliefs, fears or projections?
The myth of normal
The truth is, normal is a moving target. It’s often based on comparison: to peers, to what is portrayed in the media, to what we were told was ‘acceptable’ or ‘successful’ growing up. But what happens when we start to live a life that ticks all the boxes… and still feels disconnected, flat or inauthentic?
I often sit with clients who are unravelling this very thing. They’ve followed the rules, worked hard, kept others happy, pushed down parts of themselves and somewhere along the way, they’ve lost touch with who they really are.
This is the cost of social conformity: it prioritises fitting in over showing up. It values predictability over presence. It teaches us to silence our intuition and override our needs, often in service of approval or belonging.
The quiet sculptor
Conditioning isn’t just about obvious messages like ‘don’t cry’ or ‘be good’. It’s subtle and often unconscious. It might sound like:
‘Rest is lazy.’
‘Don’t take up too much space.’
‘Be strong, stay busy, keep going.’
‘You’re too loud, be quiet.’
These beliefs aren’t always spoken but they are felt. We internalise them over time, especially if they helped us feel safe, loved or accepted in the past. I feel the problem is, what once protected us can begin to limit us by keeping us in patterns that no longer serve who we are becoming.
The turning point
I find that people often turn to therapy at a time when they feel fear or dread, sadness, hopelessness or a loss of control over their lives. For many, that moment comes when they begin to question everything. Sometimes it’s triggered by burnout, grief, a life transition or just an inner nudge that says: This isn’t working anymore.
Unlearning “normal” is rarely easy. It can feel confusing or even lonely at first: like stepping out of a script everyone else still seems to be following. But in that space, something beautiful begins to happen: curiosity grows. Self-trust strengthens. And bit by bit, we start to reclaim parts of ourselves we’d forgotten or hidden away.
For me, a recent moment of remembering came at an event I attended in Newcastle called Mani-fest. I was surrounded by beautiful souls and some truly inspiring speakers. One speaker in particular, Kimberly Gallagher from The Feng Shui Flow sparked something in me that felt both surprising and familiar.
She reminded me of a version of myself I’d completely forgotten. In my early twenties, I had immersed myself in the world of Feng Shui. I read books, cleared space, rearranged my home and even had a fence and gate built to stop money from ‘flowing out’ of my life. I lived by those principles and yet, somewhere along the way, I’d let it all go; not consciously but as if that part of me had been quietly erased.
It was a small moment but it landed deeply. A quiet reminder of how much of ourselves we can lose without realising and how easy it is for parts of us to disappear under the weight of ‘shoulds,’ responsibilities or the roles we’re expected to play.
Coming home to yourself
That memory reminded me of the importance of returning; of revisiting the versions of ourselves that felt alive, aligned or just quietly joyful, before life told us who we had to be. Sometimes, unlearning isn't about discovering something new; it's about remembering what we already knew, before the world got loud.
The journey away from social conformity and conditioning isn’t about rebellion for rebellion’s sake. It’s about truth. Alignment. Wholeness.
It’s about giving ourselves permission to rest when we need to, to say no without guilt, to make choices that feel right even if they look different. It’s about showing up as a full, complex human being and not a curated version of who we think we should be.
There’s no one way to do this. For some, it starts with journaling. For others, it’s working with a therapist or coach, slowing down, exploring values, reconnecting with nature or simply asking: What do I really want?
It’s about waking up, opening our eyes and getting curious.
A gentle invitation
If any of this resonates, you’re not alone. Questioning “normal” isn’t a breakdown, it’s often the beginning of a breakthrough. I know it has been for me and is still and ongoing journey.
So maybe take a moment and ask yourself:
Where in my life am I still trying to be ‘normal’?
What beliefs or patterns might I be ready to unlearn?
What would it feel like to trust my own rhythm?
Because the truth is, normal was never the goal.
Authenticity is.
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